My Body, My Choice: Agency, Intimacy, and Consent



Objective(s) & Context

  1. Encourage girls to think about the contextual nature of sexual activities and highlight the usefulness of communicating with sexual partners about comfort levels and desires.

  2. Emphasize girls’ agency in decision-making regarding sex.

  3. Encourage the group to consider the factors that play into the decision to have sex or not.

  4. Using the Condom Activity will familiarize girls with condoms and increase their comfort with them.

  5. Encourage girls to think about sexual consent and gain comfort with both saying “no” and asking for “yes,” taking shared responsibility for consent.

 

Duration

70–100 minutes, depending on group size and length of discussions

 

Group Size

10–30

 

Age Group

13 +

 

Skills

Analytical, social and co-operative skills, role play participation

 

Format(s) & Technique(s)

Games, small group work, whole group debrief

 

Materials

Index cards

Chart paper

Condoms

Markers

 

Facilitation Tips

  • Because this workshop deals with sex, some of the activities contain explicit language.

  • Let groups get silly about talking about sex if they need to.

  • Mirroring the language that the participants use to describe sex acts is the most non-judgmental and empowering way to proceed in a given activity. For example, if they say blowjob, you say blowjob; if they say pussy, you say pussy.

  • Using only clinical terms (cunnilingus, intercourse, names of anatomy) tends to distance the facilitator from the group. It also makes sex and talking about sex seem either shameful or medical.

 

Leading the Activity: Steps to Take

 

Preparation:

For Part 1: The Intimacy Game, use index cards and markers to make 3 to 6 sets of intimacy cards. Each set contains 10 cards, each with a different activity written on it. The standard list of activities follows and can be modified based on the group if desired:

Hugging

Kissing on the cheek

Kissing on the mouth/making out

Sexual touching

Having sex

Cuddling in bed

Showering together

Holding hands in public

Introducing a date to your family

Talking about your sexual fantasies/desires

 

For Part 2: Variation A: Condom Popping, have enough condoms for at least half of the participants.

 

For Part 2: Variation B: Alphabet Race Activity, write the letters of the alphabet down the left-hand side of 2 to 4 pieces of chart paper (depending on group size).

 

For Part 3: The Consent Mingle Game and Discussion have index cards and markers ready. Create equal quantities of “Asker” and “Responder” cards. Have blank chart paper to hand.

 

Possible “Asker” Cards:

Can I dribble my basketball in your court?

Do you want to dance with me?

Would you like me to hold the door for you?

Can I take your picture?

Want to walk my dog with me?

Will you scratch this itch on my back? I can’t reach it!

Do you want some of my pie?

Can I have a hug?

Can I borrow your hoodie?

Will you come with me to the bathroom?

Can I have your phone number?

Will you friend me on Facebook?

Feel free to add your own!

 

Possible “Responder” Cards:

No, thanks.

That sounds awesome.

Only if you will do the same for me.

That sounds scary.

I don’t think I want to.

Maybe next time.

Yes!

I would love to.

Not right now.

No!

Maybe.

If you really want me to, I will.

Feel free to add your own!

 

Workshop:

Part 1: The Intimacy Game (15 minutes)

  1. Break the group into smaller groups (ideally no more than 5 girls per group).

  2. Give each group a set of intimacy cards.

  3. Explain the task to the group:

  1. On these cards are activities that someone can do with someone they like or are dating.

  2. As a group, you must put them in order from least intimate to most intimate (not the same as the order in which you think they should occur).

  1. If the group seems shy, you can also give each group a character to use as their model (for example: Oprah, Britney Spears, that guy from Twilight, etc.).

  2. This should take about 5 minutes.

  3. Assure the groups that it is OK to disagree.

  4. Have each group share the order they came up with and if there were any cards that sparked more discussion, to share a bit about that as well.

  5. Ask the girls to explain why some activities are “higher” on the list than others. Ask them if they can come up with scenarios where something they don’t personally consider intimate might become that way. For example: holding hands in public may feel more intimate to someone who is in a relationship that is taboo in some way because of age, ethnicity, religion, or sexuality, for example.

  6. Propose the idea that intimacy, as it relates to these activities and others, is contextual (can feel different in different situations).

  7. Ask the girls to consider whether we all want to do the same things with our dates/partners? Some people *never* want to engage in some of these activities. That’s OK too!

  8. Discuss with the group the idea of assumptions around other people’s ideas of what is intimate. For example, we have just seen that we didn’t all have the same ideas about how intimate cuddling in bed is. How can you tell what someone else feels about an activity you want to do with them? (The answer: Talk about it!)

 

Part 2: Why Do People Do It?

NOTE: This activity has two variations (A and B). Variation A: Condom Popping includes the participants handling condoms. If condoms are not available or not appropriate for the age group or setting, use Variation B: The Alphabet Race variation.

 

Part 2: Variation A: Condom Popping (20 minutes)

  1. Have the group gather in the circle.

  2. If the group is larger than 15 and there are two facilitators, it may be easier (and faster) to split the group in half and have each group doing the same activity concurrently.

  3. Ask a volunteer to start or choose someone.

  4. Give that person a condom and then give a condom to every second person in the circle.

  5. The first person’s task is to open the condom, blow it up like a balloon, tie it with a knot, and say a reason why someone might choose to have sex.

  6. They then pass their balloon to the person beside them, whose task is to pop the balloon (by whatever means available) and give the group a reason why someone might choose not to have sex.

  7. These two tasks continue around the circle, or until people run out of reasons.

  8. Debrief the activity with the group. Some possible questions include:

  • Was it easier or harder to pop the condoms that you thought it would be?

  • Did anything about the condoms surprise you?

  • Was it easier to come up with reasons for or reasons against sex? Why?

  • Ask individuals to elaborate on the reasons they presented.

  • Are there things that could be reasons “for” for some people and reasons “against” for others, or possibly both at different times in someone’s life (for example, “babies”).

 

Part 2: Variation B: The Alphabet Race (20 minutes)

  1. Split the group into 2 or 4 groups, ideally with no more than 8 people per group.

  2. Give each group a piece of chart paper with the alphabet written down the left side in a column.

  3. Designate half the groups as “pro” and half as “con.”

  4. Explain the object of the game:

  • Each group must come up with a word for each letter of the alphabet that represents a reason or factor relating to sex.

  • The “pro” teams provide reasons to do it and the “con” teams provide reasons not to do it.

  1. Give no more than 10 minutes to complete this task.

  2. When a winner has been determined (or the time is up), ask each group to read aloud (and explain, if desired) the reasons on their sheets.

  3. Use these questions to encourage discussion:

    • Are there reasons or factors that appear on both the “pro” and “con” sides?

    • How do you balance risk and reward?

    • How do you know when you are “ready”?

    • Was it easier to come up with reasons for or against? Why?

 

Part 3: The Consent Mingle Game and Discussion (30–45 minutes)

  1. Distribute a card to each participant, equal quantities of “Asker” (A) and “Responder” (R) cards.

  2. Ask participants to wander around the room and find people with cards complementary to theirs. For example, “Askers” look for “Receivers” and “Receivers” look for “Askers.”

  3. Each time they find someone, the “Asker” should ask the question on their card. The “Responder” can respond however they feel, or they can use the response given on their R card.

  4. Allow this to continue for about 15 minutes, or until participants seem to be losing interest.

  5. Gather the group to debrief the game. Some possible questions to use:

  • Askers:

  • How did it feel to ask different people your question?

  • Did you get different answers?

  • How did those answers make you feel?

  • Responders:

  • Did you use the answer on your card? Why/Why not?

  • If you were saying no to someone, did you feel bad?

  • Did you feel like you had to give a reason?

  • Do people ask these kinds of questions in sexual situations? Why/Why not?

  • We have all heard that people should “Say no” if they don’t want to do something, but we don’t hear that when people want to do something, they should ask if the thing they want to do is OK/exciting/scary/desired. Why do you think that is? Does it seem reasonable?

  1. Have the group brainstorm different ways people might feel when deciding whether they want to do new things (sexual or not). If they need more specific prompts, use activities suggested on the “Asker” cards or on the “Intimacy” cards.

  2. Write these feelings on chart paper as they are suggested.

  3. Then use these suggested feelings as a reference for (some of) the following questions:

  • What are the ideal emotions to be feeling in a “Yes” situation?

  • Which feelings might lead you to say “No”?

  • What if you have mixed feelings? How do you decide?

  • If you are the “Asker” in a situation, how do you want your “Responder” to feel?

  • Can we make people feel badly by asking? By assuming?

  • Do people sometimes agree to do things when they are feeling some “No” emotions? Why?

  1. Summarize the main points the group brought up in the previous discussion.

  2. Close with the thought that generally most things (especially sex) are more fun and rewarding when all involved parties feel good about what is going on.

 

Success Indicators

Participants are:

  • Comfortable discussing factors in decision-making around sexual activities

  • Able to identify emotions that play into decision making on the part of “askers” and “responders”

  • More equipped to have discussions about their comfort levels and limits with peers and sexual partners

  • Able to articulate the shared responsibility for consent in sexual situations

  • Able to understand that consent is more complex than “yes” or “no”

 

 

Source: Carly Boyce, workshop animator for Head and Hands Sense Project and SACOMSS Rez Project